Square Dance Etiquette Question

[bjarvis]

A relatively new square dancer asked me the following question tonight:
How do you politely deal with someone who wishes to be your dance partner but makes you exceedingly uncomfortable?

I suggested pre-emptively ensuring you have a partner already arranged for the upcoming tip but this ducks the issue rather than dealing with it. Likewise choosing to sit out a tip rather than dance with the objectionable party is inadequate: one shouldn't have to sacrifice one's own participation in an event just because of one individual.

Thoughts?

Comments

[fuzzygruf.livejournal.com]

I don't know. The pre-emptive thing is what I do to avoid people I don't like, but no one makes me feel "uncomfortable." That's something different. Maybe I'd try to be a bad dance partner: Bad handholds. Stares of death. No conversation. Stepping on feet. Anything but actually dealing with the problem.

[allanh.livejournal.com]

We had someone like this in one of my square dance clubs.

Larry & I called him "The Mass Murderer." He looked precisely like the classic movie stereotype of a nerd who works at the post office, and one day just SNAP!s and takes an AK-47 to everyone in sight.

He wasn't terribly pleasant to dance with, either as a partner or in a square. He wasn't rude ... he was just creepy. Didn't talk a lot, and the few times he did, I went back to wishing he wouldn't talk at all.

The only way I can think of to deal with this is to ensure you have a partner already arranged for the next tip. Many dancers in the Bay Area make it a practice to arrange square-up partners at least one tip in advance, precisely to avoid this type of situation. "Oh, I'm so sorry ... I'd already promised this dance to _____. Thanks for asking!"

Any other response I can think of would be rude at best.

But I'm looking forward to seeing what suggestions other people have...

[capitalcor.livejournal.com]

I have never sq danced in my life however similar situation can be found in almost all social events. I think it comes down to your personality. I would have no problem just telling the guy straight up that I wasn't comfortable dancing with him. And if he asked why, just say it doesn't matter why, thats just how I feel. I guess over time you can learn to be an asshole in a really nice way.

[madknits.livejournal.com]

A simple, "No, thank you," has worked for me in the past. Or I sit one out (I'm talking contras, not squares, but the philosophy is the same).

We used to have a creepy straight guy who would sometimes come to our queer contras. He was my opposite at one point, and was in the follower's role. During a swing, he refused to hold his own weight (he is a very experienced dancer and knows all about holding his own weight). I said, "Next time you do that, I'm going to let you go." During the next pass of the dance, we again had to swing, he didn't hold his weight, and gave me a smile that was supposed to put me in my place. I grinned back at him, and let go. He went flying across the dance floor. He held his own weight for the rest of the evening, and hasn't been back since.

[ebearboston.livejournal.com]

one shouldn't have to sacrifice one's own participation in an event just because of one individual.

Well, yes, one does. It's not necessarily fair, but it's the etiquette for all dance. I don't do squares, or at least not modern western ones, but I have to assume the etiquette is the same as Emily Post once wrote. One is always free to say no when asked to dance, and a reason is not required, but it is rude to then dance with another person.

Strictly speaking, that's dance etiquette.

[paigemom.livejournal.com]

"There are three choices - a) accept, b) decline because one has promised this dance to (someone else), or c) decline (because "I'm sitting this one out".) It's rude to say a simple "no" and then dance with someone else."

In the contra and English country dance world, these are still considered the only polite options.

With those limitations, my personal solution to a similar problem was this: clue a bunch of good friends in to the situation. Make sure one or more of them is within "asking me to dance" range at all times. If Creepy Guy heads my way, grab one of the others and run onto the floor.

Ask Kent if he remembers the Hairy Hound from Budapest...

Also, ask around. Is this guy creepy just to the new dancer or is this a general feeling among even the more experienced folk? If it's more universal, then you've got a bigger problem...that I have no idea how to address.

[billeyler.livejournal.com]

Interesting the variety of dancers you have in the replies! I have said "no, but thank you" in the past. Sometimes I've waffled and said I already had a partner (even though I'm standing there with my hand in the air)...I'd call that a gentle hint.

But then again, I don't dance often enough anymore for it to happen much. The 'toxic dancers' I saw at the Phoenix flyin mostly already know I don't care to dance with them. Except that one woman with terrible body odor.

[abqdan.livejournal.com]

I guess frequency of the request plays into it too. If it's a one-off, I grin and bear it - it's just 15 minutes out of my life. And frankly, who you square up with in an 8 person square bears little relationship to the fun of the square as a whole - unless the person is a really bad dancer.

Now if this is someone trying to hit on you, or someone who persistently makes a bee-line for you, then other remedies come to mind, including "I'd rather not - we don't seem to dance well together". Of course, as you get older, you get more comfortable being fairly blunt with people. I'd have had a much harder time with this in my 20's.

The other really difficult moment is - what do you do if the worst two dancers in the hall join a square you've already joined? Since you can't leave the square (that would be rude) you put it down to Karma getting you back for standing on that bug this morning...