Square Dance Etiquette Question

[bjarvis]

A relatively new square dancer asked me the following question tonight:
How do you politely deal with someone who wishes to be your dance partner but makes you exceedingly uncomfortable?

I suggested pre-emptively ensuring you have a partner already arranged for the upcoming tip but this ducks the issue rather than dealing with it. Likewise choosing to sit out a tip rather than dance with the objectionable party is inadequate: one shouldn't have to sacrifice one's own participation in an event just because of one individual.

Thoughts?

Comments

[ebearboston.livejournal.com]

one shouldn't have to sacrifice one's own participation in an event just because of one individual.

Well, yes, one does. It's not necessarily fair, but it's the etiquette for all dance. I don't do squares, or at least not modern western ones, but I have to assume the etiquette is the same as Emily Post once wrote. One is always free to say no when asked to dance, and a reason is not required, but it is rude to then dance with another person.

Strictly speaking, that's dance etiquette.

[bjarvis.livejournal.com]

Well, yes, one does.

I disagree. If a person continually insists on grabbing me for a dance and I am not comfortable with his/her approach & refusal to take a hint, I should not be compelled to give up my preferred social outlet. Having to sit out is bad: it costs money, time & effort to attend. Biting the bullet and dancing with such a person is also bad: it rewards their obsession and/or bad behaviour.

Etiquette is a guide of practises for getting along in a suitable way with other people. It strikes me as a violation of the basic principle to say that I'm not allowed to dance with anyone if I refuse to dance with one particular person. It would take only one dedicated sociopath to destroy an entire club. I'm sure there's a better solution.

[trawnapanda.livejournal.com]

I think "sociopath" is a little over-the-top, and it polarises the responses. Sure there are some icky people that you'd rather not dance with. If your group is afflicted with one, and you rilly don't want to dance with him, then you're obliged to ensure that your own dancecard is pre-filled. Given enough declines, the undesired person will get the hint and not show up.

It also depends on what you mean by "grabbing me for a dance" -- if you mean physically grabbing your shoulder, you can lift the offending hand off and say in frosty manner "please don't do that" and walk away - you don't have to answer the "do ya wanna dance" question.

You are not helpless on the couch, unlike the ladies of Jane Austen's day, waiting to be picked off by nice men or nasty. Fill your own dancecard in advance and you won't have the problem.

biting the bullet and dancing with such a person is also bad: it also rewards their obsession and/or bad behaviour

how is this any different from other people accepting your invitations to dance? I'm not saying that you're obsessed or behave badly, I'm saying that the loaded words in your sentence don't help assess the situation with Undesired Dancer AB. A simple "no thank you" is the phrase you need.

Etiquette is a guide of practices for getting along in a suitable way with other people -- Agreed.

It strikes me as a violation of the basic principle to say that I'm not allowed to dance with ANYONE if I refuse to dance with one particular person -- WHAT basic principle? Being polite to everyone? If you snub someone -- and declining to dance with AB, for reasons other than "I've already promised this dance to CD", and subsequently accepting an invitation to dance from EF is a snub -- then you're not being polite to everyone, or in your phrase "getting along in a suitable way with other people". You don't have to sit out for the entire evening, you just have to sit out one dance. Use that time to line someone up for the tip after that. The best defence is to arrange your dances before AB heaves up over the horizon. And if enough people do that, then AB won't have opportunity to destroy an entire club.

And if you do dance with him once, you could certainly decline subsequent dances with "we've danced already this evening".

[trawnapanda.livejournal.com]

i agree. that's been the etiquette for hundreds of years - you can read about it in Jane Austen [most clearly in Northanger Abbey, but also in Pride and Prejudice]. There are three choices - a) accept, b) decline because one has promised this dance to (someone else), or c) decline (because "I'm sitting this one out".) It's rude to say a simple "no" and then dance with someone else.

Now in the days of Jane Austen, men had the role of asking, ladies only had the power of accepting or declining; and once they declined they were out for the balance of the evening. These days, while anyone can ask, and you could get up and boogie in a later dance after declining for this one, it's still rude to say no and then stand up with someone else.

Human nature hasn't changed in 200 years. If you decline, you sit one out.

[ebearboston.livejournal.com]

Here here! This was one of the great things about dance cards. But I think, even back in the day, a lady was still free to dance the next dance with whomever asked her. If a troll asked her if she cared to Waltz she could politely decline (This is what I mean about not being required to give a reason, the polite response is, "Oh, thank you, but I think I'm going to sit this one out"), but she was still free to Gavotte if that was the next dance played, and an acceptable partner presented himself.

The same is true now at a 2-step, English, Contra, and I assume Square.

But Brian is right, there are toxic dancers. And such people rarely take the clue that an entire square would rather sit out than dance with him or her. So what can one do? I don't know. I chose to follow the rules set before me, even if they seem antiquated.

So, I have danced with some horible dancers. There's one in particular who does most of the same forms I do. As a 2-stepper he has lousy frame, forgets his foot-work, follows poorly and leads slopily. As an English and Contra dancer he also has lousy frame and can't seem to remember a pattern even when we've been dancing the figure for 5 minutes. He's also awkward socially, monopolizing conversations or intruding upon them unwelcomely. I have said no to him and found myself sitting out some lovely dances. On the other hand, I have said yes for the sake of a set, or because it was a particularly favourite song or dance, and had the experience nearly spoiled.

Rules of ettiquette for polite society exist so that no-ones feelings are hurt. This includes the toxic dancers.

[bjarvis.livejournal.com]

"Toxic dancers"... I like that. :-)

Typically, I have sat out sets rather than dance with an objectionable person, but then again, I've never been continuously pursued more than a couple of times. Either my would-be admirer got the hint or I'm not worth pursuing but either way, the situation was saved.

The person who posed the original question to me may have a lower threshold for toxicity, or may actually be a pursued by a true stalker. At his particular dance level (intro), his opportunities to dance are somewhat limited so sitting out more than two or three sets means losing the whole night. Recruitment is tough enough: I'd rather not lose a new person so quickly.

[bjarvis.livejournal.com]

So if one does not wish to dance with our all-too-friendly friendly neighbourhood stalker, that person is obliged to a) feed his obsession, b) pre-book partners for an entire evening well in advance, or c) never dance again? This doesn't seem right to me.

In the days of Jane Austen, people only danced with their same social class, formal events were invitation-only & closed to the public and anyone deemed inappropriate was blocked at the gates of the estate or at least the manor door by the servants. We lack almost all of the features these days so I think we need to update our rules just a little.

Come to think of it, how does Emily Post recommend one deal with stalkers and/or sociopaths in general? I'm sure she has a suitable way of dispatching a repeated unwanted advance.

Have none of us ever been approached in a bar by someone we just didn't want to be with, carnally or otherwise? I know how I'd politely decline in such a circumstance, but would-be mating rituals (and shooting them down) are more elaborate and have less time pressure --presuming it isn't after last-call.

[paigemom.livejournal.com]

and you don't consider dancing a "would-be mating ritual?"

I totally disagree.

[bjarvis.livejournal.com]

I might if I didn't have a mic in my hand most times now. Being a caller has made socializing at club nights more... complicated.

[paigemom.livejournal.com]

huh. The callers/teachers at the dance camps I've been to usually had the easiest time getting laid...

[billeyler.livejournal.com]

You're right about that, friend. Socializing is nearly non-existent for me as a caller, and it's impossible to step into conversations in progress during the breaks. I don't take offense to it, since it feels part of my job as a caller to make OTHERS feel comfortable socializing, toxic dancer or no. It's a juggling act, and yes...complicated.

[bjarvis.livejournal.com]

Yeah, even between tips, one's obliged to play host/hostess by providing a comfortable atmosphere & environment. These are also responsibilities of the club officers of course but it comes with the roll.

[trawnapanda.livejournal.com]

In the days of Jane Austen, people only danced with their same social class, [etc]

What makes you think there weren't toxic dancers in Jane Austen's time? Catherine Morland finds herself stuck dancing with the socially inept John Thorpe, when she'd rather be dancing with Henry Tilney, and Lizzie Bennet finds herself wanting to dance with George Wickham, but instead unwillingly snagged by the execrable Mr Collins, and later by the quite- undesirable- at- the- time Mr Darcy. There's nothing new about the problem of icky potential dance partners.

(nb I am NOT trying to say that your typical stalker-lookalike is really Fitzwilliam Darcy with pots o'cash underneath an unattractive exterior).

The problem is old, the solution is old. "no thank you, I'm a) sitting this one out / b) dancing with CD".

As to dealing with repeated unwanted invitations, Miss Manners advises (in order, for iterative approaches) 1) polite refusal 2) slightly less polite refusal 3) the cut direct [direct stare, cold "no thank you", turning your back]