Square Dance Etiquette Question

[bjarvis]

A relatively new square dancer asked me the following question tonight:
How do you politely deal with someone who wishes to be your dance partner but makes you exceedingly uncomfortable?

I suggested pre-emptively ensuring you have a partner already arranged for the upcoming tip but this ducks the issue rather than dealing with it. Likewise choosing to sit out a tip rather than dance with the objectionable party is inadequate: one shouldn't have to sacrifice one's own participation in an event just because of one individual.

Thoughts?

Comments

[bjarvis.livejournal.com]

So if one does not wish to dance with our all-too-friendly friendly neighbourhood stalker, that person is obliged to a) feed his obsession, b) pre-book partners for an entire evening well in advance, or c) never dance again? This doesn't seem right to me.

In the days of Jane Austen, people only danced with their same social class, formal events were invitation-only & closed to the public and anyone deemed inappropriate was blocked at the gates of the estate or at least the manor door by the servants. We lack almost all of the features these days so I think we need to update our rules just a little.

Come to think of it, how does Emily Post recommend one deal with stalkers and/or sociopaths in general? I'm sure she has a suitable way of dispatching a repeated unwanted advance.

Have none of us ever been approached in a bar by someone we just didn't want to be with, carnally or otherwise? I know how I'd politely decline in such a circumstance, but would-be mating rituals (and shooting them down) are more elaborate and have less time pressure --presuming it isn't after last-call.

[paigemom.livejournal.com]

and you don't consider dancing a "would-be mating ritual?"

I totally disagree.

[bjarvis.livejournal.com]

I might if I didn't have a mic in my hand most times now. Being a caller has made socializing at club nights more... complicated.

[paigemom.livejournal.com]

huh. The callers/teachers at the dance camps I've been to usually had the easiest time getting laid...

[billeyler.livejournal.com]

You're right about that, friend. Socializing is nearly non-existent for me as a caller, and it's impossible to step into conversations in progress during the breaks. I don't take offense to it, since it feels part of my job as a caller to make OTHERS feel comfortable socializing, toxic dancer or no. It's a juggling act, and yes...complicated.

[bjarvis.livejournal.com]

Yeah, even between tips, one's obliged to play host/hostess by providing a comfortable atmosphere & environment. These are also responsibilities of the club officers of course but it comes with the roll.

[trawnapanda.livejournal.com]

In the days of Jane Austen, people only danced with their same social class, [etc]

What makes you think there weren't toxic dancers in Jane Austen's time? Catherine Morland finds herself stuck dancing with the socially inept John Thorpe, when she'd rather be dancing with Henry Tilney, and Lizzie Bennet finds herself wanting to dance with George Wickham, but instead unwillingly snagged by the execrable Mr Collins, and later by the quite- undesirable- at- the- time Mr Darcy. There's nothing new about the problem of icky potential dance partners.

(nb I am NOT trying to say that your typical stalker-lookalike is really Fitzwilliam Darcy with pots o'cash underneath an unattractive exterior).

The problem is old, the solution is old. "no thank you, I'm a) sitting this one out / b) dancing with CD".

As to dealing with repeated unwanted invitations, Miss Manners advises (in order, for iterative approaches) 1) polite refusal 2) slightly less polite refusal 3) the cut direct [direct stare, cold "no thank you", turning your back]