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bjarvisWe are 11 hours into 2019 and so far my recurring theme is death.
My mobile phone died. It just won't power up. Great.
Our water heater has been acting strangely. It may be gone soon.
And my Dad, 77 years old this coming Friday and in failing health for the past couple of years, may finally have reached the end of his rope.
He is currently in the hospital in Kirkland Lake in north-eastern Ontario. There is apparently a bubble of air outside his left lung inside his chest cavity and it is causing great discomfort. Normally, this would be addressed by intubating the patient, opening a small hole in the chest with a syring to release air, and inflating the lung manually to compress the gas out of the chest. Because of Dad's advanced COPD, the fear is that once he is intubated, he may never be off a respirator again, and he explicitly does not want that.
At this moment, I don't know what his plans are. Live with the discomfort, be medicated for the pain, and gently fade away? Attempt the procedure but demand the tubes be removed following, hope he can continue but absolutely do not resuscitate if he doesn't?
I'm sure Mom knows his intentions, but she is --how do we say this gently?-- a narcissistic & manipulative eater of souls. Honestly, I can't actually say if Dad is nearing death right now, or if this is a manipulation by Mom to get some attention for herself, dragging in her kids & grandkids from all corners of the country. It could be that Dad is genuinely reaching the end. Or perhaps not. We can't tell without bypassing her somehow.
I know that sounds rather angry & bitter, but honestly, I'm not either. I figured out her mechanisms decades ago and have been immune to 95% of it, so that's just Mom being Mom. This is what she does. I can see how it damages her connections with people around her and her own extended family, but her issues are hers to deal with, not mine.
I do cut her a great deal of slack: her husband of 54 year is in poor health and , and she's not exactly a tower of youthful vigour herself after multiple cancer surgeries and multiple small strokes. Mom has every right to be concerned for his well being, and for her own future without him. Both of them have been so deep in denial about their own mortality, neither has made any meaningful plans for surviving the death of the other, and now what should have been gradual planning over the course of years is coming crashing down on them hard as a present & unavoidable emergency. I fault them both for their procrastination and for their insensitivity to each other: did they actually believe they would both die simultaneously somehow? So yes, she should be emotionally distressed at the possible death of her husband, but some of that drama is by her own design.
In my mind, I'm composing a eulogy for Dad, trying to paint a picture of a man's life of 77 years in a 5-10 minute speech --as if that were even possible. Also in my mind, I don't think this is the end: I strongly suspect this will be considered a fire drill exercise, and we'll be back to the status quo for a few more months.
In any case, I'm flying out tomorrow, Jan 2: Dulles to Toronto Island Airport, then to Timmins, where I have a rental car reserved to drive to Kirkland Lake. Because of the uncertainty, I flew on a one-way ticket and booked the car & hotel room to Jan 8; I can extend that if needed. All of my siblings are currently en route except for "5 of 6," who can't afford the trip from Prince Edward Island. Before writing this, I sent her an email offering to buy her airfare & hotel room; if she can get herself to Halifax though, she & I can be on the same flight to Timmins and care the drive south.
My mobile phone died. It just won't power up. Great.
Our water heater has been acting strangely. It may be gone soon.
And my Dad, 77 years old this coming Friday and in failing health for the past couple of years, may finally have reached the end of his rope.
He is currently in the hospital in Kirkland Lake in north-eastern Ontario. There is apparently a bubble of air outside his left lung inside his chest cavity and it is causing great discomfort. Normally, this would be addressed by intubating the patient, opening a small hole in the chest with a syring to release air, and inflating the lung manually to compress the gas out of the chest. Because of Dad's advanced COPD, the fear is that once he is intubated, he may never be off a respirator again, and he explicitly does not want that.
At this moment, I don't know what his plans are. Live with the discomfort, be medicated for the pain, and gently fade away? Attempt the procedure but demand the tubes be removed following, hope he can continue but absolutely do not resuscitate if he doesn't?
I'm sure Mom knows his intentions, but she is --how do we say this gently?-- a narcissistic & manipulative eater of souls. Honestly, I can't actually say if Dad is nearing death right now, or if this is a manipulation by Mom to get some attention for herself, dragging in her kids & grandkids from all corners of the country. It could be that Dad is genuinely reaching the end. Or perhaps not. We can't tell without bypassing her somehow.
I know that sounds rather angry & bitter, but honestly, I'm not either. I figured out her mechanisms decades ago and have been immune to 95% of it, so that's just Mom being Mom. This is what she does. I can see how it damages her connections with people around her and her own extended family, but her issues are hers to deal with, not mine.
I do cut her a great deal of slack: her husband of 54 year is in poor health and , and she's not exactly a tower of youthful vigour herself after multiple cancer surgeries and multiple small strokes. Mom has every right to be concerned for his well being, and for her own future without him. Both of them have been so deep in denial about their own mortality, neither has made any meaningful plans for surviving the death of the other, and now what should have been gradual planning over the course of years is coming crashing down on them hard as a present & unavoidable emergency. I fault them both for their procrastination and for their insensitivity to each other: did they actually believe they would both die simultaneously somehow? So yes, she should be emotionally distressed at the possible death of her husband, but some of that drama is by her own design.
In my mind, I'm composing a eulogy for Dad, trying to paint a picture of a man's life of 77 years in a 5-10 minute speech --as if that were even possible. Also in my mind, I don't think this is the end: I strongly suspect this will be considered a fire drill exercise, and we'll be back to the status quo for a few more months.
In any case, I'm flying out tomorrow, Jan 2: Dulles to Toronto Island Airport, then to Timmins, where I have a rental car reserved to drive to Kirkland Lake. Because of the uncertainty, I flew on a one-way ticket and booked the car & hotel room to Jan 8; I can extend that if needed. All of my siblings are currently en route except for "5 of 6," who can't afford the trip from Prince Edward Island. Before writing this, I sent her an email offering to buy her airfare & hotel room; if she can get herself to Halifax though, she & I can be on the same flight to Timmins and care the drive south.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-01 04:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-02 01:59 am (UTC)The good news, as of a couple of hours ago, is that the bubble of air in Dad's chest has been absorbed and he's resting without pain, so the immediate crisis has passed. His health is still a mess, but he's out of immediate danger.
The plane tickets were purchased so I'm travelling north anyway, just in case this good news doesn't last.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-02 02:48 am (UTC)(Man, it's no fun to watch our elders go through this. My parents are not all that far behind yours.)
no subject
Date: 2019-01-01 06:11 pm (UTC)I agree with the frustrations on people not planning ahead at all. Intellectually, I know that lots of people have this superstition that talking about things will make them happen, but really? How does being unprepared and then having to scramble to make things work -- if you can -- seem like a better way to live? I'm so glad that we finally convinced Mark's parents to move out of their house last year. It would have been better to have done it several years ago, but at least we managed before a crisis.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-02 02:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-01 09:35 pm (UTC)My father was surprised to learn that he's going to die. I asked him how he could possibly not have figured that out and he just looked at me blankly. The situation is a target-rich environment for lawyers.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-02 02:02 am (UTC)At least we have heard this afternoon that Dad's immediate crisis has passed so we've dodged this particular bullet. However, the machine gun is reloading for another round...
no subject
Date: 2019-01-02 05:05 am (UTC)I'm about to become the administrator of a close friend's estate, valued in the low millions. There is no will. It will be a shit show.