Identity Crisis

[bjarvis]

I was in our local mall, minding my own business and generally expanding the economy during the xmas season, when I accidentally strolled too close to a vendor cart. Usually, I'm good about making my way past these free-standing vendors but this one had three people working it and their event horizon beyond which only sadness can be found was larger than I anticipated. Woe!

This particular cart was flogging home nail care salon kits. The pseudo-parisien sales weasel immediately began asking me if I was shopping for my wife. "No, two husbands." This usually disrupts the sales pitch long enough for me to chew my foot off and escape the snare trap. Not this time. This salesguy was surprisingly resilient.

"No problem! This would be an ideal gift for sisters, mothers, grandmothers, office gift exchanges and more! Any woman on the planet would love to have this! Here, let me show you..."

Seriously, I thought I'd have more time to think of a means of escape. I failed utterly. It's been a full year since the last holiday shopping and most of that was done online: I'm out of practice dealing with sales people in person. He had me trapped.

By way of a demonstration, he borrowed my left hand. I thought about tossing the shopping bags in my right hand at him but I had already spent a large amount of money on those, causing me to hesitate. Perhaps tripping a little old lady... alas, none were present. Damn!

I zoned out on his sales spiel while he demonstrated the nail buffer pad on my left thumbnail. I remember his lips moving but I was in shock: I can't remember a word.

With a deft swipe of an alcohol pad, he revealed my thumbnail.

OMFG.

It's polished and shiny.

I feel like my masculinity has been stripped away. (Quiet, bitches.)

Seriously, I keep looking at my hand and cringing. WTF?! This isn't right! Make it stop!

I don't even remember the next half-hour. I'm sure I just stumbled away stunned, staring with horror at my thumb, returning to my car on autopilot while holding back the tears of shame until I was safely home.

As soon as I finish writing this, I'm going to find some fine grain sandpaper to return my hands to their normal non-eight year old schoolgirl form.

Comments

[omero-hassan.livejournal.com]

Mm hmm...

Or sneak back to the mall in dark glasses and a trench coat to buy a home nail care salon kit.

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

Uh, riiiight, this sounds as bad as some heterosexual male trying to hold onto his masculinity a little too hard. ;-)

Seceretly, I think you were just in shock in how good your thumbnail was after that brief buffing. *ducks*

[jwg.livejournal.com]

And why must he assume that men might not like their nails done? I'm sure some do. How much does such a kit cost? This reminds me that I need a new nail clipper.

[bearfuz.livejournal.com]

I've always thought of you as buff, if not exactly buffed.

This too will pass. And you are now conditioned against future accidents of that type. And you got a great story out of it. So it's not a total loss. ;-)

[trawnapanda.livejournal.com]

thinking about bjarvis IN the buff is an even nicer image.

[kent4str.livejournal.com]

If I get a nail care kit for Christmas I'm sneaking in while you're asleep and doing all you nails. All ten.

In pink.

There's sandpaper and acetone in the garage, where the butch things are kept. You know, my area.

[trawnapanda.livejournal.com]

Kent: he has twenty nails -- don't forget the feet.

and every fag who has ever watched The Women knows that THE colour for nails is Jungle Red

[kent4str.livejournal.com]

I was going to do every other one, and he's not A-list enough for Jungle Red.

[trawnapanda.livejournal.com]

oh, well if you're going to spend the time for a -er, um- special hand-job, then I'd recommend two different colours of polish, on alternating nails.

and hiding all of your acetone and similar solvents. and confiscation of all gloves, socks and shoes.

I think red and silver would be very festive, and strike just the right note for the holiday season. remember, the nail polish has to be a contrasting colour to caucasian-flesh-pink, so they decorated claws are especially visible.

[billeyler.livejournal.com]

I've seen that garage. It IS butch, although I'm not sure how it manifests itself elsewhere!

[guiser1.livejournal.com]

In my opinion, only one thing on a man should be polished and shiny.

And it ain't his friggin' thumb nail.

I can show you, if you like?

[bitterlawngnome.livejournal.com]

before you rough that up? there are some um activities you ought to um explore.

[trawnapanda.livejournal.com]

"No problem! [...] Here, let me show you..."

Oh honey, this salesdroid must have been really cute. What else could explain your not smiling politely and saying "sorry, not interested", hmmm? You must have been staring deep into Madge's his eyes (or at other -um- attractive features) while this demo-manicure was taking place.

"Pseudo-Parisien sales weasel". Yeah, right. He was a hottie, and melted your resistance.

[airporter.livejournal.com]

I'm wholly unused to your zoning out in such a fashion - it's not nearly as engaging as when you're fully "on" in retelling a tale. However, I must add that you really should do the rest of the nails - just once, mind - and then investigate what really smooth nails can do. I'm sure you'd have volunteers to assist you.

[paigemom.livejournal.com]

Spend five minutes at my house trying to get five dogs outside to pee and then back inside -- with wiping 20 muddy paws.

Your thumbnail will be back to normal in no time!

[paigemom.livejournal.com]

To add: dogs are the #1 reason I keep my nails quick-short.

[trawnapanda.livejournal.com]

that's more-or-less what I was hinting at. If he was so gobsmacked as to permit this attention to his person, then something sexual was going on.