A Little Help for the News Media

Dear News Media:

I know it's tough trying to keep an audience's attention these days, what with all of us trying to either find a job or hold one down. It's brutal having to return 5,000% returns every calendar quarter because shareholders need to make their yacht payments. Life is tough when the world just doesn't offer you enough celebrity trials to provide hours of no-cost talking head discussion over whether the plaintiff's choice of white or whole wheat toast for breakfast will affect the jury selection process. Nevertheless, please try to keep up.

Here's a few small tips to help you in the editorial room:

• Enough about zoo animals in Ohio. Seriously, only the 5,000 residents of Zanesville cared and even they weren't affected since the critters didn't get near town. The other seven billion people on the planet aren't in Zanesville: we don't care. If you think Zanesville is your dream market, then I have some collateralized debt obligations to sell you.
  
• The iPhone 4s. Yes, we know it exists, your job is now done. You can let go now. Just step away from the topic. St Jobs is dead so he's not going to give you a freebie phone to reward you for your sucking up to his last gadget.
  
• Lindsay Lohan. Please, she was never news. Not the first ten times she went into rehab, not the eleventh. Not when she was caught shoplifting. Not when she broke probation yet again. Want a news story? Do an in-depth news investigation into either (a) why the California justice system keeps letting her off, or (b) why the media thinks she's relevant. (Hint: I would read (a).)
  
• The trial of Dr Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson's former personal physician. Yup, he's a bad doctor. But you know what? A single line mentioning the jury's decision on page 5 would be just fine. Play-by-play and color commentary of every sneeze in the courtroom? Not interested.
  
• The wedding of John Edwards' daughter. Did you get an invitation? Nope, me neither. Send her a card and move on.

Bonus round: Here's a few simple guidelines to help in future.

• If it involves the economy or my career prospects or affects my mortgage, I care.
  
• If it involves national security or world stability, I care.
  
• If it strengthens democracy or democratic institutions by reporting on the working, successes or failures of such, I care.
  
• If it provides insight into humanity, our place in the universe and/or our ability to survive and improve ourselves within it, I care.

Everything else is just fluff.