Mom and the Future
Jan. 12th, 2020 08:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bjarvisI've been feeling a bit down the past couple of day because of some family issues. Given a choice between venting here and eating my feelings/my body weight in ice cream, well, here we are. You're welcome.
Reports from family indicate my Mom's mental health is sliding dramatically. Memory loss, emotional instability, cognition impairment. We've reached the point where intervention is required.
Problem: Half of my siblings are simply staring at me, insisting that I do something. Why me, you ask? Why don't they do something themselves, you ask? Largely because they don't want to. They want something done, but they don't want to be bothered.
Problem: Mom doesn't think she has a problem. She knows something is off, but insists it is the universe with issues, not her. Her memory is perfect, it's the other 7 billion people with memory loss. Her thinking is clear, everyone else is messed up. Olympic gold medalist denial.
Problem: Mom lives on the farm alone since Dad died this time last year. The nearest relative is 250 miles away. The nearest town is 8 miles away. There is a nursing home in that town, so that's an option, but.... that implies either institutionalizing her near her friends & social connections, but away from family. Or bringing her closer to family, but ripped away from her social network & home of 50 years. Both options suck.
Problem: When/if she's declared incompetent, I have medical power-of-attorney, but I live in another country. Two other siblings have general power-of-attorney for all other matters --and one of them didn't know it until I sent him a PDF of the docs a few days ago. He's not happy.
Problem: None of us even know the name of her regular doctor or what meds she's supposed to be taking --when she remembers. How does one legally intervene? What are the ramifications? We have a lot of homework ahead of us.
Plan: I'm going to head to northern Ontario as soon as I can to spend a week with her. I trust the reports from family, but I also need to satisfy myself of the necessity of any intervention.
I went to high school with the lawyer who made the wills, powers-of-attorney, etc.: I'll have an appointment with him to catch up on the legal issues. One of my sisters went to high school with her pharmacist: we can find out more about her meds. Did I mention this is a small town?
We need an expert medical evaluation. I expect however that Mom will fight us at every step and will not cooperate with any exam. There is a real possibility she will see this as a global conspiracy including her own doc & lawyer, cut off all contact and refuse her current meds.
It's not so far fetched: in Dad's last two years, she was convinced that only she could treat Dad, and that all doctors were in cahoots to secretly murder him. She even accused two of my sisters of being part of that conspiracy. She was almost barred from two hospitals because of her threats of violence against the staff. It was ultimately dismissed with a warning as the ravings of a scared, distraught wife watching her husband suffer, but we had to monitor her while she was monitoring Dad.
So in all, I have a mess of stuff happening back in Canada and I don't have any good answers at the moment. I'm trying to thread my way through, but I'm not getting much sleep and the weight of it sometimes makes it difficult to breathe.
A year ago Monday, my Dad died. The Mom I knew is nearly gone, while a stranger like her but not her inhabits her body. And we have to come up with a plan to care for this not-quite-Mom that won't destroy what's left of her. Ugh.
Reports from family indicate my Mom's mental health is sliding dramatically. Memory loss, emotional instability, cognition impairment. We've reached the point where intervention is required.
Problem: Half of my siblings are simply staring at me, insisting that I do something. Why me, you ask? Why don't they do something themselves, you ask? Largely because they don't want to. They want something done, but they don't want to be bothered.
Problem: Mom doesn't think she has a problem. She knows something is off, but insists it is the universe with issues, not her. Her memory is perfect, it's the other 7 billion people with memory loss. Her thinking is clear, everyone else is messed up. Olympic gold medalist denial.
Problem: Mom lives on the farm alone since Dad died this time last year. The nearest relative is 250 miles away. The nearest town is 8 miles away. There is a nursing home in that town, so that's an option, but.... that implies either institutionalizing her near her friends & social connections, but away from family. Or bringing her closer to family, but ripped away from her social network & home of 50 years. Both options suck.
Problem: When/if she's declared incompetent, I have medical power-of-attorney, but I live in another country. Two other siblings have general power-of-attorney for all other matters --and one of them didn't know it until I sent him a PDF of the docs a few days ago. He's not happy.
Problem: None of us even know the name of her regular doctor or what meds she's supposed to be taking --when she remembers. How does one legally intervene? What are the ramifications? We have a lot of homework ahead of us.
Plan: I'm going to head to northern Ontario as soon as I can to spend a week with her. I trust the reports from family, but I also need to satisfy myself of the necessity of any intervention.
I went to high school with the lawyer who made the wills, powers-of-attorney, etc.: I'll have an appointment with him to catch up on the legal issues. One of my sisters went to high school with her pharmacist: we can find out more about her meds. Did I mention this is a small town?
We need an expert medical evaluation. I expect however that Mom will fight us at every step and will not cooperate with any exam. There is a real possibility she will see this as a global conspiracy including her own doc & lawyer, cut off all contact and refuse her current meds.
It's not so far fetched: in Dad's last two years, she was convinced that only she could treat Dad, and that all doctors were in cahoots to secretly murder him. She even accused two of my sisters of being part of that conspiracy. She was almost barred from two hospitals because of her threats of violence against the staff. It was ultimately dismissed with a warning as the ravings of a scared, distraught wife watching her husband suffer, but we had to monitor her while she was monitoring Dad.
So in all, I have a mess of stuff happening back in Canada and I don't have any good answers at the moment. I'm trying to thread my way through, but I'm not getting much sleep and the weight of it sometimes makes it difficult to breathe.
A year ago Monday, my Dad died. The Mom I knew is nearly gone, while a stranger like her but not her inhabits her body. And we have to come up with a plan to care for this not-quite-Mom that won't destroy what's left of her. Ugh.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 05:11 am (UTC)Into the breach. I wish you strength and luck.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-13 10:14 pm (UTC)If we can find something she likes and can provide her needs, money won't be an issue. She still has pension income from CPP, OAS, Dad's union, etc., and funds from the sale of the farm if she wishes. And I can make up a chunk of the rest as needed. But making a plan she won't fight? That's like folding space-time.
no subject
Date: 2020-01-14 12:06 am (UTC)