Are We Having Fun Yet?

The past week has been more than a bit of a blur.

A week ago Thursday, I learned my cousin, Josh, passed away in his sleep from a cerebral hemorrhage at age 22. On Saturday, kent4str and I called for the Chesapeake Squares at the annual Baltimore Pride parade, then he drove me directly to National Airport so I could fly to Buffalo, collect my rental car and head to Toronto.

On the whole, the trip was fast and efficient. Unlike the Budget office at SJC, the BUF office actually gave me a compact car as I had booked. It was a 2012 Volkswagen Jetta and it was a delight to drive: comfortable, fuel efficient, great acceleration and roomy.

I spent nearly all of Sunday with my grandmother and my aunt Kathy (Josh's mother) in Drumbo and Princeton, Ontario, about 90 minutes west of Toronto. It's probably the longest time I've spent with my grandmother in years and we had a delightful Sunday drive through the area, visiting cemetaries where our various ancestors are buried.

While that sounds a little morbid, it really wasn't: death is a part of life and it was a pleasant experience to visit the graves of my paternal grandparents, along with various other Jarvises in the Paris Plains Cemetary. As I commented at the time, it was the largest gathering of Jarvises I've attended in years, and nearly the quietest.

We also visited the Wolverton cemetary where grandma's late husband is buried. I asked why he was there in 1981 rather than anywhere else: after all, there are no other Mordens buried in that space. She just stated matter-of-factly that my uncle Dave (her son-in-law) noted at the time there were only four plots left and if she wanted them, she should sign on immediately. It's just a business transaction. In exactly the same neutral tone, she pointed out where she will be buried, along with Josh and Josh's mother, just as plainly as saying the grass is green and the sky is blue. Huh.

For the record, I confirmed on Wednesday my parents are to be buried in the Brentha Cemetary near the family farm in northern Ontario. My will also makes it clear I'm to be buried there. Don't try flinging my ashes into space or anything silly like that: have a party instead.

Sunday evening, we had dinner with Kathy and her fiance, Clayton. Many of Josh's friends dropped by to say hello. Apparently, Josh was the nexus of an extensive social network and his home was the place where many in this small town could hang out when desired. His loss is having more of an impact that I knew previously.

I spent the morning of Monday bumming around Toronto, site-seeing, shopping and visiting my old haunts. I miss that city. I spent the afternoon & evening visiting with my Dad at the home of my sister "3 of 6" while Mom was out with Grandma and Kathy. Again, it's probably the longest stretch I've spent alone with Dad in decades.

After his recent ostomy operation due to Crohn's Disease, he's recuperating nicely. He still doesn't have the energy he used to for endurance, but he's clear, articulate and in good spirits.

Tuesday was largely spent on my own and hanging out with my Toronto hosts John & Chris, indulging in some quiet and contemplative time.

On Wednesday, I packed everything and headed to Mississauga to collect Dad and we both drove out to Drumbo to rendez-vous with Mom and Grandma, had an early dinner and then headed to Woodstock for the first viewing (The second viewing was on Thursday and the formal funeral & internment on Friday but I couldn't stay in Canada for those events).

There was a steady stream of Josh's friends and co-workers from 7-9pm. For the most part, I sat with Dad and we continued various conversations from the prior day, both of us rising when summoned by Mom, Grandma or Kathy as needed for introductions or errands.

I'm happy to report Mom was distinctly non-sociopathic. I'm not sure if Dad's improved health has relieved her stress so she isn't wigging out in ugly, nearly violent anti-social behavior, the likes of which nearly had her removed from Dad's hospital by security only a month ago. It could also be that she's simply on her best behavior because she's in public: she has a talent for camouflaging her periodic bat-shit crazy behavior when required to charm strangers or avoid being called on her excesses by those she can't control (ie. Grandma, Kathy and me). In any case, we were fine the entire time and parted on good terms.

When the event was over, I drove Mom, Grandma and Dad back to Grandma's apartment, said my good-byes and headed for Buffalo. I had originally planned to travel early Thursday morning from Toronto for my 8:45am Buffalo-to-DC flight but decided at nearly the last minute that fighting my way through unpredictable morning traffic around the entire Golden Horseshoe area of southern Ontario then get my way through the border crossing was too much stress for a morning trip. Going to Buffalo Wednesday night and taking a cheap hotel room near the airport would provide more rest time. That was the theory, anyway.

Sure enough, I made good driving time to Buffalo and needed a half-hour to get through the processing queue at the border. While my Econo Lodge gave me an enormous suite for my single night's stay, the AC couldn't keep up with the near-record heat in a room that big so I got only three hours of sleep while baking & sweating in bed.

On the good side in the morning, however, I checked out of the hotel, packed the car, drove to the airport, dropped off the rental, checked in at US Airways, got through security and walked to my gate within 30 minutes. Total win.

The flight was uninteresting except for the misbehaving toddlers and overly-indulgent pseudo-parents in row 12, directly in front of me. Horrid. I'm so glad it was only a 50 minute flight.

Once back in DC, I took the subway home, rested a little, did some work and then headed downtown to call a Mainstream & Plus club night for the DC Lambda Squares.

I regret I couldn't spend an additional night or two in Canada. There are so many friends I would have liked to have seen, but my only free time was during the workday and even then, there were periods when I needed to be alone. I wasn't close to Josh so I'm still more than a bit surprised how painful his loss has been.

Friday was all work, including a site visit to the data center to collect equipment from Shipping and reboot some recalcitrant appliances.

Today was our day of good deeds. kent4str's mother is still in the rehab facility, getting physio for her minor stroke nine weeks ago. She's going to be released back into the wild shortly so the three of us descended on her & Dad's house in Mt Airy, MD, to scrub the place top to bottom and re-arrange furniture in the master bedroom for her easier access. We also fixed a minor problem with the central air conditioning condenser drain hose and generally tackled whatever project Ralph required. We were well fed as a reward. I'm looking forward to Zoe's return home.

I received word early this afternoon that my cousin Josh was found dead in his apartment in Kitchener this morning. At the moment, the cause of death is unknown. He was 22.

To say this is unexpected is an understatement. I saw Josh at our grandmother's 85th birthday bash in April and he was as energetic and healthy as any 22 year old should be. An autopsy is being performed.

Josh was an only child and his mother, Kat, was in Indiana when she heard. One can only presume that she returned to Ontario as quickly as possible but I've had no further word from the family. I'm sure she's devastated.

My thoughts keep returning to my grandmother. She's survived a husband, two daughters and heaven knows how many friends. Now she's lost a grandchild for the first time.

Although there's no word on funeral arrangements, I've booked plane tickets and a rental car for this Saturday evening through next Thursday morning. My precise itinerary will depend on family events and arrangements so I'm hesitant to plan more than that currently.

Early morning flights are a pain in the butt but it's a necessary evil. *sigh*

We're heading to southern Ontario this morning to celebrate my grandmother's 85th birthday in Drumbo, ON. Our little jaunt this morning will take us from home to BWI Airport, then a quick hop to Buffalo, NY, where we'll rent a car to drive across the border into Canada and to Toronto where we're staying with friends.

Planned side trips this weekend will also include a visit to my financial advisor, a meal at Swiss Chalet, a visit to the St Lawrence Market and at least one meal with the clan aside from Grandma's event. We may yet squeeze some other stuff into the schedule but this trip is primarily about family until they drive me freaking nuts and we need to escape.

Pray for all involved.

My extended clan have given me notice that they're hoping for a family reunion ostensibly to celebrate my grandmother's 85th birthday in 2012.

It's not easy to convey the incredible sea change this represents. My family can't plan something as trivial as dinner more than an hour in advance: for them to be looking 18 months ahead is nothing short of extraordinary. I fear my dear grandmother may not survive to her 85th for having died of a heart attack under the strain of thinking more than a week ahead.

The bad part? They've chosen the exact same dates as the Vancouver IAGSDC convention.

*sigh*

I suppose I could try spending a couple of days at one event, then flying to the other. Of course, that involves travel between the two most expensive airports in the entire Dominion of Canada, and it likely would mean a less than ideal visit at both.

This morning, the hubbies went shopping at the Westside Market while I attempted to sleep in a little. I had no success: my crackberry was going nuts with incoming emergency pages from the office. While there was little I could to do help the work situation, I also couldn't easily ignore the crackberry, or simply turn it off in case something I could tackle should arise.

With reluctance, I eventually roused myself from bed to at least tend to some code deployments to our disaster recovery site, catch up on some minor documentation on our wiki and test some network adjustments made by our network engineering team.

When the boys returned home, we scooted out to "Mi Pueblo" for lunch: great food, fast service and very low price! I'd go back again.

By mid-afternoon, I was still feeling like a slug --as were the boys-- so we opted for a brief nap. Yay for mid-afternoon naps!

By late afternoon, we were on our way to the party supplies store to pick up some items, then off to the hall where tomorrow's reception following the wedding will be held. We were originally going to be assisting with decorating; somehow, we were placed largely in charge of it. The same sort of thing happened yesterday at the wedding rehearsal: kent4str and I were going to be there in support of cuyahogarvr (father of the groom) but have since been escalated to being ushers for the wedding and escorts for the bride's mother & aunt for the candle-lighting portion of the wedding. Whee!

Before ultimately getting to the hall decorating though, we returned to the same ice cream shop we visited yesterday. I wanted to have a double-scoop of the wintermint ice cream with hot fudge sauce, but my dear ones staged an intervention and talked me down to a single scoop. Bastards.

- Mine is the large one in front.

The decorating went well so after chatting & coordinating in the parking lot of the hall, the larger portion of the family sped off to the local Red Robin's for a light dinner. I was seated next to step-grandson Kevin again so brace yourself for baby cuteness:


We're now back at Casa Vannello, mellowing for the balance of the evening. We need to be back at the wedding hall for 9am tomorrow to do a final setup prior to the 10am service. Pray for sunshine!

cuyahogarvr playing with his 9 month old grandson:

As mentioned previously, my brother is remarrying in Halifax, NS, October 10. After a small bout of sticker shock from airline rates, we've decided that I'll be attending the wedding solo: we just can't afford to send both cuyahogarvr and kent4str along with me.

Taking advantage of cuyahogarvr's travel agent super-powers, I deftly waited until after Labour Day to book a flight as the airlines typically shuffle & add routes and offer sales during this window. Sure enough, a new option has appeared: a direct flight between Washington DC (Dulles airport) and Halifax!

I've just completed the purchase. For $533 USD (ouch!), I'm departing DC on Thursday, October 8, 2009, arriving in Halifax around lunchtime; I'll be returning the morning of Tuesday, October 13.

The extended clan has largely decided to stay at the Esquire Motel in Bedford, NS. The place has larger suites for families with kids and they're pet-friendly. For the sake of my sanity, I'm tempted to look elsewhere, but for the sake of family peace & tranquility, I'll likely stay there too.

Anyone out there in Halifax?

I've finally given up and done what I swore I would never do: rather than selecting & sending a customized birthday present to a niece or nephew, I just sent a card with a $20 (CDN) bill.

Sending money just seems like such a cop-out. I'm officially a failure as an uncle. I feel dirty.

The sad reality though is that I rarely get back to Canada these days. When I first moved to the US, I was returning to the Dominion every three months or so. Now, it's more like every 18 months. The four of them --a niece & nephew by one sister and two nieces by another-- are very young kids yet and growing quickly every day. Seeing them even quarterly wouldn't be enough to keep up with their growth rate and changing interests. I can't even keep track anymore of the presents I sent individually for past birthdays and christmas so I'm running into the possibility of accidentally sending the same item twice. Sure, it's the thought that counts etc., but that requires an adult perspective: I could barely expect that level of maturity from my own peer group let alone kids eight years old & younger.

In defeat, I'm caving in. Where the kiddie in question is too young to understand money, I'll trust their parents to either save it or spend it judiciously on our collective behalf. Daniel is old enough to understand (roughly) how money work so I'm sure his parents will let him exercise his own discretion.

God as my witness though, I will purchase proper gifts at christmas. Every kid deserves proper presents at the holidays. I'll just have to consult extensively with the family before buying. That will have to suffice to redeem my good uncle status.

Per usual, we were at John Marshall's C2 class tonight. Fortunately, we didn't take on any new calls tonight: it was just review and dancing. I say fortunately because my head began throbbing slightly after an hour and became a full blown headache by the time the evening was wrapping up. (I'm sure the fact we were dancing C2 was purely a coincidence.)

I'm hoping this is just my body complaining about the lack of protein today rather than the onset of a cold or such. I have few evening commitments for the next few days so even a cold wouldn't be a catastrophic issue right now.

By my count, we have about a dozen calls left. I hope we will be pushing through these last ones fairly soon as I'd love to have some Monday night flexibility in my schedule once again.

In other news, work continues to be a roller coaster: some days are incredibly busy, some are boring. Today is a good mixture: a few tasks but nothing especially soul-crushing.

In family news, I neglected to mention my parents celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary this past July 4. We were tentatively thinking of heading to Canada to celebrate with the family in August but it's looking more like we should hoard our pennies and conserve our vacation time, especially if we'll see the extended clan for my brother's wedding only a few months later.

kent4str, cuyahogarvr and I have decided to make a more determined effort to spend some quality non-square dancing time together. Our schedules are sufficiently weird that getting time together as a trio has been a serious challenge. Being the organizational dweebs we are, we've marked days in our joint calendar expressly for doing something jointly.

Our first date day together was focused on a visit to the Bull Run battlefield in Manassas, VA. In hindsight, visiting the place where 5,000 men lost their lives in two bloody battles 130 years ago probably wasn't the most romantic venue, but it was the perfect day weatherwise and we got that valued time together.

Later, following ice cream and a quick maintenance visit to check up on kent4str's parent's house while they're traveling, we went out to see "Up." As expected, it was a playful and sentimental movie, well scripted and animated. I'd add this to our lets-consider-seeing-it-again list.

Click here for photos from Bull Run.

( And here for the hotties seen there too. )