Xmas Cheer

I picked up a large photocopying job at Staples this morning. The store had xmas carols playing over the PA system. A week ago, this would have caused spontaneous vomiting on my part, but it is now December and such a holiday atmosphere is to be expected and is acceptable, even to my cynical self.

But what are the actual if unintentional messages behind these holiday favourites?

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer: "Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Moral: Not like everyone else? You have no value to society. That is, until an authority figure determines you are useful and uses your abilities for his gain: you will then be adored by his sycophants. I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope for your future once your momentary usefulness has expired.

We Three Kings of Orient Are: Three kings bring the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh
Moral: The freakin' rich have absolutely no clue how to improve the lives of the needy. How about a blanket? Food?

Good King Wenceslas: The king grabs his nearest assistant and trudges off into a blizzard to help a stranger.
Moral: Yeah, it's sweet that the boss is trying to help someone but if you're the nearest staffer when the thought pops into his head, you'd better pray the boss really is an authentic saint or they'll find your frozen body in a snowbank come spring.
Moral: And how can you tell if your boss is a saint? He has to die --martyrdom is a good first step-- and then have three miracles attributed to him. Now, I'm not saying you should kill your boss but if you want to be absolutely certain...

I Saw Three Ships: An observer sees three ships carrying Mary and Jesus.
Moral: Buy your tickets today on Our Lord & Saviour Cruise Line!
Moral: Three ships, two passengers. Not exactly a green footprint.
Moral: Joseph apparently got the departure time wrong and is waiting on a dock somewhere.

Do You Hear What I Hear?: "A Child, a Child shivers in the cold-- Let us bring him silver and gold..."
Moral: See We Three Kings of Orient Are above.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas: "Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; [...] We won't go until we get some; [...]"
Moral: I'll make you an offer you can't refuse. After all, it would be a shame for something bad to happen to your nice home...

Frosty The Snowman: The main character comes alive, blows off local law enforcement and advises all to enjoy life while they can because they will eventually die. But don't worry, he'll be back again soon.
Moral: Frosty is an outlaw Buddhist.

Xmas Cheer

I picked up a large photocopying job at Staples this morning. The store had xmas carols playing over the PA system. A week ago, this would have caused spontaneous vomiting on my part, but it is now December and such a holiday atmosphere is to be expected and is acceptable, even to my cynical self.

But what are the actual if unintentional messages behind these holiday favourites?

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer: "Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Moral: Not like everyone else? You have no value to society. That is, until an authority figure determines you are useful and uses your abilities for his gain: you will then be adored by his sycophants. I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope for your future once your momentary usefulness has expired.

We Three Kings of Orient Are: Three kings bring the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh
Moral: The freakin' rich have absolutely no clue how to improve the lives of the needy. How about a blanket? Food?

Good King Wenceslas: The king grabs his nearest assistant and trudges off into a blizzard to help a stranger.
Moral: Yeah, it's sweet that the boss is trying to help someone but if you're the nearest staffer when the thought pops into his head, you'd better pray the boss really is an authentic saint or they'll find your frozen body in a snowbank come spring.
Moral: And how can you tell if your boss is a saint? He has to die --martyrdom is a good first step-- and then have three miracles attributed to him. Now, I'm not saying you should kill your boss but if you want to be absolutely certain...

I Saw Three Ships: An observer sees three ships carrying Mary and Jesus.
Moral: Buy your tickets today on Our Lord & Saviour Cruise Line!
Moral: Three ships, two passengers. Not exactly a green footprint.
Moral: Joseph apparently got the departure time wrong and is waiting on a dock somewhere.

Do You Hear What I Hear?: "A Child, a Child shivers in the cold-- Let us bring him silver and gold..."
Moral: See We Three Kings of Orient Are above.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas: "Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; [...] We won't go until we get some; [...]"
Moral: I'll make you an offer you can't refuse. After all, it would be a shame for something bad to happen to your nice home...

Frosty The Snowman: The main character comes alive, blows off local law enforcement and advises all to enjoy life while they can because they will eventually die. But don't worry, he'll be back again soon.
Moral: Frosty is an outlaw Buddhist.