Dear Canada

Dear Canada:

I can't tell you how much I miss your elections. I've been living in Maryland for nearly 15 years now and have seen multiple election cycles so I think I've accumulated enough data points here to offer some comparisons.

Election campaigns in Canada are mercifully brief: they last anywhere from 21 to 42 days, tops. That nicely contains the insanity of the season into a compact portion of the calendar. If we can survive six weeks, we're in the clear for another four years or so.

Not so in America. Political advertising is now a 24/7/365 permanent blather. Sure, there are lulls in the battle in the 72 hours immediately following a major election but it picks up gradually again until it reaches full shriek for the three months leading up to election day.

And while Canada has had some whack jobs of would-be politicians, 99% got filtered out before ever being able to run for office and most of the last 1% were rightfully rejected by the public at the ballot box. A few nuts slipped through, of course --there's no denying that. What would we have done without the parliamentary psychodrama of, say, Helena Guergis?

Still, it seems Americans require their politicians to be insane. I don't mean just amusingly eccentric like British Columbia's Amor de Cosmos. I mean utterly completely bat-shit freaking nuts. The more out-of-touch-with-reality, the better it seems. Folks like Christine O'Donnell and Sharon Angle. It's like someone went trolling through the isolation wards of psychiatric hospitals, found the most delusional patient, took them off their meds and put them on the hustings with clean clothes and an unlimited checkbook.

No one has ever accused Canadian politicians (or runners-up) of being especially honest. Lord knows, there isn't enough space in this journal for all of the whoppers which have escaped the lips of the Dominion's political class. Remember the late 1980s when the NDP went on about how NAFTA meant America would begin draining the great lakes? Hasn't happened. I checked: the great lakes are still there.

Still, Canucks can't hold a candle to American politicians. Death panels! The gov't is coming for your guns! Your marriage is under threat! The president isn't an American! The president is Muslim! No, seriously: grandma may not be shovel-ready but facts definitely seem to be. Even a $600 million fine for health care fraud isn't a barrier to the governorship of Florida for Rick Scott or hiring undocumented workers while complaining about undocumented workers for California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman.

The thing I've loved best about Canadians and their political representatives is this: they're not afraid to be smart. In fact, the political parties frequently default to selecting an intellectually gifted leader, the man or woman who happened to be the smartest one (or nearly so) in the room. I want to vote for a person who is smarter than me, more aware than me, and more knowledgeable than me. I want a person representing me and making decisions affecting the country who is better qualified than I am for the role. Alas, most of these brilliant folks couldn't charm their way out of a paper bag --I'm looking at you, Stephane Dion-- but I'd rather take a risk on smart-but-unlikely-to-win than dumb-as-a-rock-but-electable. I want thoughtful solutions, not a smooth voice with telegenic hair. At the very least, I want them to be able to list all ten provinces and three territories.

Alas, an IQ above room temperature is frequently a disqualifier for American public office. If you can perform addition or read the US constitution, you will be branded an "elite" or "intellectual." Whereas you, my fellow Canadian, might think this a supreme compliment, it's a profound slur here in the land of the free, etc.. Rand Paul gives himself professional certifications he couldn't earn properly, Joe Miller uses thugs to control needling members of the press, Christine O'Donnell didn't know there was a constitutional separation of church & state, Sarah Palin thinks seeing a country makes her qualified to negotiate treaties with it, and so on.

There isn't much good news to offer from the US at the moment, but there are some tidbits. With a little luck, the loonies won't take the Senate even if they grab the House of Reps. The White House isn't up for another two years. Many of those who thought they could buy political office with their personal millions and/or billions seem to be on the road to failure. If nothing else, the extreme campaigning will go dormant for 48-72 hours, giving us all a much-needed break.

And then it will start all over again.

Dear Canada

Dear Canada:

I can't tell you how much I miss your elections. I've been living in Maryland for nearly 15 years now and have seen multiple election cycles so I think I've accumulated enough data points here to offer some comparisons.

Election campaigns in Canada are mercifully brief: they last anywhere from 21 to 42 days, tops. That nicely contains the insanity of the season into a compact portion of the calendar. If we can survive six weeks, we're in the clear for another four years or so.

Not so in America. Political advertising is now a 24/7/365 permanent blather. Sure, there are lulls in the battle in the 72 hours immediately following a major election but it picks up gradually again until it reaches full shriek for the three months leading up to election day.

And while Canada has had some whack jobs of would-be politicians, 99% got filtered out before ever being able to run for office and most of the last 1% were rightfully rejected by the public at the ballot box. A few nuts slipped through, of course --there's no denying that. What would we have done without the parliamentary psychodrama of, say, Helena Guergis?

Still, it seems Americans require their politicians to be insane. I don't mean just amusingly eccentric like British Columbia's Amor de Cosmos. I mean utterly completely bat-shit freaking nuts. The more out-of-touch-with-reality, the better it seems. Folks like Christine O'Donnell and Sharon Angle. It's like someone went trolling through the isolation wards of psychiatric hospitals, found the most delusional patient, took them off their meds and put them on the hustings with clean clothes and an unlimited checkbook.

No one has ever accused Canadian politicians (or runners-up) of being especially honest. Lord knows, there isn't enough space in this journal for all of the whoppers which have escaped the lips of the Dominion's political class. Remember the late 1980s when the NDP went on about how NAFTA meant America would begin draining the great lakes? Hasn't happened. I checked: the great lakes are still there.

Still, Canucks can't hold a candle to American politicians. Death panels! The gov't is coming for your guns! Your marriage is under threat! The president isn't an American! The president is Muslim! No, seriously: grandma may not be shovel-ready but facts definitely seem to be. Even a $600 million fine for health care fraud isn't a barrier to the governorship of Florida for Rick Scott or hiring undocumented workers while complaining about undocumented workers for California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman.

The thing I've loved best about Canadians and their political representatives is this: they're not afraid to be smart. In fact, the political parties frequently default to selecting an intellectually gifted leader, the man or woman who happened to be the smartest one (or nearly so) in the room. I want to vote for a person who is smarter than me, more aware than me, and more knowledgeable than me. I want a person representing me and making decisions affecting the country who is better qualified than I am for the role. Alas, most of these brilliant folks couldn't charm their way out of a paper bag --I'm looking at you, Stephane Dion-- but I'd rather take a risk on smart-but-unlikely-to-win than dumb-as-a-rock-but-electable. I want thoughtful solutions, not a smooth voice with telegenic hair. At the very least, I want them to be able to list all ten provinces and three territories.

Alas, an IQ above room temperature is frequently a disqualifier for American public office. If you can perform addition or read the US constitution, you will be branded an "elite" or "intellectual." Whereas you, my fellow Canadian, might think this a supreme compliment, it's a profound slur here in the land of the free, etc.. Rand Paul gives himself professional certifications he couldn't earn properly, Joe Miller uses thugs to control needling members of the press, Christine O'Donnell didn't know there was a constitutional separation of church & state, Sarah Palin thinks seeing a country makes her qualified to negotiate treaties with it, and so on.

There isn't much good news to offer from the US at the moment, but there are some tidbits. With a little luck, the loonies won't take the Senate even if they grab the House of Reps. The White House isn't up for another two years. Many of those who thought they could buy political office with their personal millions and/or billions seem to be on the road to failure. If nothing else, the extreme campaigning will go dormant for 48-72 hours, giving us all a much-needed break.

And then it will start all over again.