As I write this, I'm OK with all of this. I will miss him, but I can see that this is no longer the life he wants, an active mind trapped in a decaying body. If he has made peace with his ending, then I'm at peace with it too. I love my father: I will not demand he live in pain just to assuage my fears or sadness, so I'm letting him go.
In similar situations, I have seen and met family members who don't see it this way; they would rather keep the loved one alive at all costs. It doesn't make sense, but it seems to be a child-like view of what to do.
Your mom needs care, too. We were very lucky that Curtis's mom, Dorothy, was not an angry person. Her dementia whittled away her personality and cognitive functions, but she wasn't violent or angry. My mother's lack of mental health made her a challenge when she didn't have cancer; with cancer, she could be a nightmare but for the most part, became a more accepting person. It seems to me that your mother is acting out some patterns with your sister(s)—I've never clearly understood the mother-daughter dynamic—while she has to somehow deal with the impending death of her husband. One can sympathize to a point. I've never seen a hospital threaten to eject someone, which means they've already had a gutful. Would a heart-to-heart (as in, “You're being a jerk and that shit needs to stop now,” in nicer language) be helpful? Or a multiperson intervention? When you all leave, it won't go away.
My sympathies are with you and your biological family. These are hard issues.
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Date: 2019-01-03 06:24 pm (UTC)Your mom needs care, too. We were very lucky that Curtis's mom, Dorothy, was not an angry person. Her dementia whittled away her personality and cognitive functions, but she wasn't violent or angry. My mother's lack of mental health made her a challenge when she didn't have cancer; with cancer, she could be a nightmare but for the most part, became a more accepting person. It seems to me that your mother is acting out some patterns with your sister(s)—I've never clearly understood the mother-daughter dynamic—while she has to somehow deal with the impending death of her husband. One can sympathize to a point. I've never seen a hospital threaten to eject someone, which means they've already had a gutful. Would a heart-to-heart (as in, “You're being a jerk and that shit needs to stop now,” in nicer language) be helpful? Or a multiperson intervention? When you all leave, it won't go away.
My sympathies are with you and your biological family. These are hard issues.