The Baby Jesus Demands a Sacrifice!

[bjarvis]

As required by our Lord & Saviour^TM, we killed a tree to display to God how much we respect the living things He lovingly created.

	Herd o' Trees Vast herds of canaan firs roam the hills of Mt Airy, MD. The hunters are hungry though: one of these majestic creatures will not survive the coming battle.
	Selection Famed tree-killer kent4str walks cautiously through, assessing the individuals, looking for vulnerabilities. He moves slowly to ensure he doesn't spook the herd.
	Bait In a novel twist to this year's hunt, we've assigned cuyahogarvr a special role: bait. It was our hope that by looking totally hawt but nonchalant, he might lull some of the trees into complacency, if not lure one directly into our waiting trap.
	Victim Selection The victim is selected. It's a fine specimen: healthy and strong but not too young and still small enough to fit into a family sedan and/or minivan.
	Stalking the Victim The hunters hide in the distance, observing their selected target and waiting for just the right moment to pounce. It's important to make a quick and clean kill as a wounded canaan fir could cause grave injury to the would-be hunters.
	The Hunters Strike! bjarvis quickly applies the handsaw to the trunk of the tree. He cuts quickly and cleanly while cuyahogarvr prevents the dying tree from escaping. The end comes quickly: within 60 seconds, the deed is done.
	The Kill The hunters are jubilant! The tribe will dine well tonight!
	The Golf Cart of Victory kent4str (AKA Gimpy) escorts the victory procession among the admiring throngs. Neighboring hunters share the joy of the kill but also stand respectfully as the cortege passes: a mighty tree has fallen, its life ended so that we may live with its mounted corpse and fresh pine scent for, oh, about four weeks.
	Bound and Gagged The carcass must be processed while still fresh. Excess needles are shaken from the body and it is respectfully wrapped in twine to prevent bruising and damage.
	Mounted for Display The corpse has been properly prepared and embalmed by experts trained in the field. The body will remain on display until early January. Further indignities are yet in store, including tacky decorations and cheap lights. Ultimately, however, all preservation efforts will fail and the body will be discarded in time for county recycling services to process its decaying remains into mulch, completing this wondrous creature's cycle of life.

Comments

[ciddyguy.livejournal.com]

What a great post! Love how you told of your tree cutting excursion.

As for me, I gave that up 4 years ago in favor of an inexpensive artificial tree that I bring up from the storage locker in the basement and decorate it with vintage holiday baubles and lights. :-)

[billeyler.livejournal.com]

You've made me ever so thankful to have a plastic tree one has to assemble lovingly every Friday-after-Thanksgiving day.

I think I'll buy some pine-scented spray to give it yet that extra-added feeling of the holidays!

[abqdan.livejournal.com]

Beautifully written, yet so true. I know, they grow them all just so someone can cut them down, but it still seems kind of sad. I did the live/dead tree for many years, but when I met Bill I discovered his artificial tree (now something like 13 years old) and thought - yes, this is the wave of the future!

Of course, we'd NEVER have a pre-lit tree. That's just offensive to purists. Untangling the lights and finding the one bulb that doesn't work is all part of the devine mystery.

[apparentparadox]

Hah! You didn't even notice how they funneled you in so that you chose the genetically modified one that has a deadly disease in its needles. Of course, while they may be good at some branches of science, they tend to forget that people don't live for hundreds of years, so the poison may not take effect for 50-60 years, but still. I'd say that your days are numbered.

[airporter.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear load, thank you.

I'm tempted to offer self as sacrifice to god of decarated trees at yule, if only to be cosseted and coveted for period of days.

Esamine available use peekture and advise as to capture.

[double-ohsteven.livejournal.com]

We shall now rename your hubbv "kentd4str"!!

[stormecho.livejournal.com]

Sometimes your warped sense of humor amazes me - lol

[trawnapanda.livejournal.com]

oh, he's a lumberjack, and he's OK
he sleeps all night and he works all day

[paigemom.livejournal.com]

Alas, we must wait until finals are over...

[bootedintexas.livejournal.com]

you almost encourage me to take up Fir-a-cide

[bearfuz.livejournal.com]

We all know he KenDflower...