bjarvis: (Default)
I don't really get the whole xmas tree decorating thing.

I know many people love to go stalk & kill their own tree in the wild. Some go to an urban lot and purchase their pre-killed vicitim from the local pusher. Others have fake/taxidermied trees in their attic. I just don't really get it.

I suspect a large part comes from my childhood in northern Ontario. I mean, I grew up surrounded by the damn things. LIke 10-million-of-them-for-every-one-of-us surrounded. And they're not all friendly either. Ever fallen from one? Ever had one of them fall on you? Ever had one leap in front of your car while you were soberly driving home from the no-there-wasn't-any-drinking party at night totally sober? Not friendly at all.

They're coniferous triffids. And that one you have in your living room is its advanced scout for their ultimate takeover.

Sure, you've cut off at the base, but it takes a lot more than that to disable these killers. And you dressed it up in drag: that really makes them angry. Let me say this again for those of you not keeping up: You have a wounded & pissed off tree IN YOUR HOUSE.

God help you when its friends arrive to rescue it. You've been warned.
bjarvis: (Default)
Recently, I noticed my jeans were labelled 'straight slim cut.'

And then I realized I'm none of these.

My life wardrobe is one big fraud.

*sigh*
bjarvis: (Cosmo)
Old joke:
"Have you found Jesus?"
"Yup! He was hiding behind the couch the whole time!"

Nearly identical:
"You heard they cancelled Easter? Turned out Jesus was hiding behind the couch the whole time."

While helping [livejournal.com profile] allanh clean up his mom's (& her boyfriend's) apartment, we were hanging enough pictures to put the Louvre to shame. The boyfriend had one particular picture which absolutely needed to be hung somewhere: all others were expendible, but not his picture of Jesus.

Naturally, it was the one picture we couldn't find for the longest time. We searched stacks of pictures, looked around various boxes, checked the kitchen and bathroom but found nothing. This is effectively a bachelor apartment: there aren't that many places to hid a picture.

We did eventually find Jesus when we moved furniture to hang a large nautical picture. Sure enough, Jesus was hiding behind the couch the whole time.
Jesus, behind the couch
bjarvis: (Default)
Internet service provider GoDaddy is holding a public vote to select the spokesperson for their promotions and home page, either Danica Patrick or James Hinchcliffe.

Please go immediately and vote for Hinchcliffe. Why? Because this what he looks like:


Yes, I'm being shallow --quelle surprise-- but if I have to do business with GoDaddy, I'd rather have his smiling face looking up at me than hers.

The link is: http://videos.godaddy.com/vote/race-for-the-homepage.aspx?ci=55110

Vote now.
bjarvis: (leather jacket and camera)
We saw "The Avengers" at a Sunday matinee this past weekend. Chris Hemsworth (Thor) is as hot as ever, but he's been displaced by my new lust object: Jeremy Renner (Hawkeye).



I'm willing to take on both though, 'cause I'm such a giver.
bjarvis: (Morbo)
I can't keep a straight face watching the occasional Dairy Queen commercial on television since I made the mental connection. Watching pr0n has taken on an additional cool chocolately flavour as well..


John Behlmann Dairy Queen TV commercial spokes-meat John Behlmann
Eric Stone Gay pr0n star Eric Stone

bjarvis: (Morbo)
I can't keep a straight face watching the occasional Dairy Queen commercial on television since I made the mental connection. Watching pr0n has taken on an additional cool chocolately flavour as well..


John Behlmann Dairy Queen TV commercial spokes-meat John Behlmann
Eric Stone Gay pr0n star Eric Stone

bjarvis: (Default)
A belated April Fool's entry... Enjoy!
bjarvis: (Default)
A belated April Fool's entry... Enjoy!
bjarvis: (Plankton)
Sales advice from my employer's marketing team...

bjarvis: (Plankton)
Sales advice from my employer's marketing team...

bjarvis: (Zorak)
If you're on LinkedIn, check out this profile.

You're welcome.
bjarvis: (Zorak)
If you're on LinkedIn, check out this profile.

You're welcome.

Xmas Cheer

Dec. 2nd, 2010 01:24 pm
bjarvis: (Zorak)
I picked up a large photocopying job at Staples this morning. The store had xmas carols playing over the PA system. A week ago, this would have caused spontaneous vomiting on my part, but it is now December and such a holiday atmosphere is to be expected and is acceptable, even to my cynical self.

But what are the actual if unintentional messages behind these holiday favourites?

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer: "Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Moral: Not like everyone else? You have no value to society. That is, until an authority figure determines you are useful and uses your abilities for his gain: you will then be adored by his sycophants. I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope for your future once your momentary usefulness has expired.

We Three Kings of Orient Are: Three kings bring the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh
Moral: The freakin' rich have absolutely no clue how to improve the lives of the needy. How about a blanket? Food?

Good King Wenceslas: The king grabs his nearest assistant and trudges off into a blizzard to help a stranger.
Moral: Yeah, it's sweet that the boss is trying to help someone but if you're the nearest staffer when the thought pops into his head, you'd better pray the boss really is an authentic saint or they'll find your frozen body in a snowbank come spring.
Moral: And how can you tell if your boss is a saint? He has to die --martyrdom is a good first step-- and then have three miracles attributed to him. Now, I'm not saying you should kill your boss but if you want to be absolutely certain...

I Saw Three Ships: An observer sees three ships carrying Mary and Jesus.
Moral: Buy your tickets today on Our Lord & Saviour Cruise Line!
Moral: Three ships, two passengers. Not exactly a green footprint.
Moral: Joseph apparently got the departure time wrong and is waiting on a dock somewhere.

Do You Hear What I Hear?: "A Child, a Child shivers in the cold-- Let us bring him silver and gold..."
Moral: See We Three Kings of Orient Are above.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas: "Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; [...] We won't go until we get some; [...]"
Moral: I'll make you an offer you can't refuse. After all, it would be a shame for something bad to happen to your nice home...

Frosty The Snowman: The main character comes alive, blows off local law enforcement and advises all to enjoy life while they can because they will eventually die. But don't worry, he'll be back again soon.
Moral: Frosty is an outlaw Buddhist.

Xmas Cheer

Dec. 2nd, 2010 01:24 pm
bjarvis: (Zorak)
I picked up a large photocopying job at Staples this morning. The store had xmas carols playing over the PA system. A week ago, this would have caused spontaneous vomiting on my part, but it is now December and such a holiday atmosphere is to be expected and is acceptable, even to my cynical self.

But what are the actual if unintentional messages behind these holiday favourites?

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer: "Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Moral: Not like everyone else? You have no value to society. That is, until an authority figure determines you are useful and uses your abilities for his gain: you will then be adored by his sycophants. I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope for your future once your momentary usefulness has expired.

We Three Kings of Orient Are: Three kings bring the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh
Moral: The freakin' rich have absolutely no clue how to improve the lives of the needy. How about a blanket? Food?

Good King Wenceslas: The king grabs his nearest assistant and trudges off into a blizzard to help a stranger.
Moral: Yeah, it's sweet that the boss is trying to help someone but if you're the nearest staffer when the thought pops into his head, you'd better pray the boss really is an authentic saint or they'll find your frozen body in a snowbank come spring.
Moral: And how can you tell if your boss is a saint? He has to die --martyrdom is a good first step-- and then have three miracles attributed to him. Now, I'm not saying you should kill your boss but if you want to be absolutely certain...

I Saw Three Ships: An observer sees three ships carrying Mary and Jesus.
Moral: Buy your tickets today on Our Lord & Saviour Cruise Line!
Moral: Three ships, two passengers. Not exactly a green footprint.
Moral: Joseph apparently got the departure time wrong and is waiting on a dock somewhere.

Do You Hear What I Hear?: "A Child, a Child shivers in the cold-- Let us bring him silver and gold..."
Moral: See We Three Kings of Orient Are above.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas: "Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; [...] We won't go until we get some; [...]"
Moral: I'll make you an offer you can't refuse. After all, it would be a shame for something bad to happen to your nice home...

Frosty The Snowman: The main character comes alive, blows off local law enforcement and advises all to enjoy life while they can because they will eventually die. But don't worry, he'll be back again soon.
Moral: Frosty is an outlaw Buddhist.
bjarvis: (doh)
I just looked through the list of Emmy winners from last night and confirmed my suspicion: Glee, Mad Men, Modern Family, Nurse Jackie and all the others... I haven't seen any of them!

I really don't think I'm missing much though.
bjarvis: (doh)
I just looked through the list of Emmy winners from last night and confirmed my suspicion: Glee, Mad Men, Modern Family, Nurse Jackie and all the others... I haven't seen any of them!

I really don't think I'm missing much though.
bjarvis: (avatar)
We had a revelation tonight after seeing "Mary Poppins" at the Kennedy Center this afternoon (thanks to [livejournal.com profile] bearfuz for getting us such great seats).

Mary Poppins is Jesus!

Consider the following:

  1. She appears after a burnt offering, the kids' list of requirements torched by dad... That's pretty miraculous, IMHO.
  2. She is practically perfect.
  3. She can feed the masses with minimal effort with her cake enhancement magic.
  4. She cures the sick with a little bit of sugar in addition to her medicine. We suspect this is also an aspect of the water-into-wine superpower.
  5. She animates the inanimate.
  6. She brings a code of conduct and behavior to her followers.
  7. She shows mercy and compassion to the rejects of society and scorn to the wealthy and vain.
  8. Woe unto those who suffer her wrath! See how she visits justice upon the transgressors, especially where toys are involved.
  9. She returns from oblivion after three days.
  10. She faces her evil counterpart, the Holy Terror Ms Andrew, and vanquishes the anti-Poppins.
  11. Her work done, she returns to the heavens from which she came.

Case closed.
bjarvis: (avatar)
We had a revelation tonight after seeing "Mary Poppins" at the Kennedy Center this afternoon (thanks to [livejournal.com profile] bearfuz for getting us such great seats).

Mary Poppins is Jesus!

Consider the following:

  1. She appears after a burnt offering, the kids' list of requirements torched by dad... That's pretty miraculous, IMHO.
  2. She is practically perfect.
  3. She can feed the masses with minimal effort with her cake enhancement magic.
  4. She cures the sick with a little bit of sugar in addition to her medicine. We suspect this is also an aspect of the water-into-wine superpower.
  5. She animates the inanimate.
  6. She brings a code of conduct and behavior to her followers.
  7. She shows mercy and compassion to the rejects of society and scorn to the wealthy and vain.
  8. Woe unto those who suffer her wrath! See how she visits justice upon the transgressors, especially where toys are involved.
  9. She returns from oblivion after three days.
  10. She faces her evil counterpart, the Holy Terror Ms Andrew, and vanquishes the anti-Poppins.
  11. Her work done, she returns to the heavens from which she came.

Case closed.
bjarvis: (Olympus SP-500 UZ)

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2010-02-21
Food Simulator Food Simulator
2010-02-21

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